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Set boundaries find peace book Review

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Set boundaries find peace book pdf download

Details of Set boundaries find peace

  • Book Name: Set boundaries find peace
  • Authors:  Nedra Glover
  • Pages: 304
  • Publish Date: 16/03/2021
  • Language: English
  • Genre: Self-Help Book


I'm going to share my top takeaways from the book Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. First of all, what are boundaries? Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships and help you stay mentally and emotionally well. 

They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. they are a self-care practice. they define roles in relationships. they communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviours in relationships. 

They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. they are a way to communicate your needs to others. they are a way to create healthy relationships they are a way to create clarity. 

Next, what are some signs that you need boundaries? 

you feel overwhelmed. you feel resentful toward people for asking for your help. you avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something. 

You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. you feel burnt out. you frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. you have no time for yourself. 

My third takeaway was that there are three levels of boundaries. 

Number one porous boundaries. porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed boundaries. porous boundaries look like over-sharing, codependency, inability to say no, people-pleasing, dependency on feedback from others, paralyzing fear of being rejected, and accepting mistreatment. 

For example, saying yes to things you don't want to do, loaning money to people because you feel obligated or when you don't have the funds to do so. 

the second kind of boundary is rigid boundaries. 

rigid boundaries involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe. but staying safe by locking yourself in is unhealthy and leads to a whole other set of problems. 

rigid boundaries look like: never sharing, building walls, avoiding vulnerability, cutting people out, having high expectations of others, and enforcing strict rules. for example: saying no harshly as a way to discourage people from asking you in the future or having a rule that you will never watch your sister's kids.

The third kind of boundary is healthy boundaries. 

healthy boundaries are possible when your past does not show up in your present interactions. they require an awareness of your emotional, mental and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

Healthy boundaries look like: being clear about your values, listening to your own opinion, sharing with others appropriately, having a healthy vulnerability with people who have earned your trust, being comfortable saying no, being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally. examples of healthy boundaries are: saying no without apologizing because it's the healthiest choice for you at that moment, 

supporting people financially when appropriate and when you can do so without causing financial harm to yourself. 

This thing about the three levels of boundaries was an aha moment for me because I thought that you can either have no boundaries or rigid boundaries but healthy boundaries are somewhere in between porous boundaries and rigid boundaries. 

my fourth takeaway from this book is that setting boundaries is not easy.

You might worry too much about how the other person will respond. you might play out awkward interactions in your mind and prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. but trust me, short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it, every time! 

my fifth and final takeaway is that when you identify a boundary that you would like to set, there are two steps to it. 

The first step is communication, which is to verbally communicate your needs to the other person. people cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or your unspoken expectations.

when you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you. verbally communicating your boundaries sounds like this: when we have a disagreement, i'd like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel like you're getting too heated in the argument. 

Also, I will mention when I'm becoming uncomfortable with your tone. the second step after communication is action. the process of boundary setting does not end with communication. you must also uphold what you communicate through your behaviour. 

If your boundary gets violated, you need to reinforce it with action, honouring your boundaries through action is the only way most people will understand that you're serious, which will help them become serious about your boundaries as well. 

For example, let's say that you set a boundary with your friend by saying this: it is important to me that you honour the plans that we set up. if you need to change our plans please send a text a few hours before. and let's say your friend violates the boundary and requests a last-minute change to the plan. 

The action you want to take is, letting your friend know that you cannot accommodate the change because they didn't give you enough notice. you might gently say, I want to hang out with you but my schedule won't allow for this adjustment. let's set up a time to get together next week.

There is a lot more wisdom in this book, I have merely scratched the surface. 

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